What does it mean to surrender?
I was asked this question by a student recently in the context of my “Five S’s” of clearing: slow down, simplify, sense, surrender, and self-care.
In case you’re wondering, the Five S’s are the daily practices I’ve identified as essential for clearing to be effective, nourishing, and lasting.
Though well-intentioned, most approaches to reducing excess in our homes and lives follow a more linear model of clearing where the focus is on speed and outcome. Quick fix efforts result in a missed opportunity to address root cause, nurture ease, and grow new habits that lead to lasting change.
I thought that my response to Joan, with a story of my own, might benefit others, so here it is:
Question:
Hi Stephanie
…I do practice “slow down”, “simplify”. and “self-care,” and can – always – be more consistent on these. I see the wisdom in “Sense – without attachment” – and need more disciplined on this one. “Surrender” in this context, is not clear to me – could you clarify, or point me to where I could read or hear what you mean by this?
Thank you for your caring, sharing, and thoughtful presentations! We found your book, “Your Spacious Self” through our dentist, and are delving into it (reading and implementing) together. Very helpful ideas for clearing house and mind, undoubtedly with lasting results.
My Reply:
Hello Joan…
GOOD question on what I mean by “surrender.”
The short answer is that it is the opposite of resistance.
When we surrender in the present moment we are no longer resisting the natural flow of things, the natural flow of life. We accept and allow things to be just as they are.
In Chapter 28 (page 129) of my book Your Spacious Self I write:
“Before you go into cold sweats about this accepting business, you must understand that what I refer to as “acceptance” does not mean that we tolerate the intolerable or that we don’t change. It does not mean that we stand on the sidelines with our arms crossed and our noses in air, watching life pass us by without caring about or feeling a thing – quite the opposite, in fact.
Acceptance means that after you have put into motion your intentions, and acted upon them responsibly, you get out of the way and detach from the outcome. You allow change, you don’t force it. You feel your feelings completely and fully without owning or personalizing them. You experience weather patterns as information and feedback.”
THAT is the work of clearing in a nutshell.
To give you an example of what it means to surrender, here’s something that happened to me this very morning, in fact. I noticed that my husband, while working on a project, had settled in the living room – surrounded by a sea of computer, cables, papers, empty tea cups, and cushions thrown on the floor…
Usually he’s in his office or in another, less central, part of the house, which never bothers me. His taking over the living room on a Sunday morning jangled my sense of order and proprietaryness (if that’s even a word).
Right away I noticed my resistance to it… my attachment to having the space be clear and empty. I noticed my breathing. I could feel my tightening. I hung out with the feelings for about thirty seconds… imagining that I was inserting an acupuncture needle of awareness into the gucky stuff I was feeling.
Earlier this morning I had read your question on surrender, Joan, and it must have been swirling somewhere in my head space, because out popped the AHA right then and there: “Surrender is the opposite of resistance.” This one bit of awareness that arose like a thought bubble out of my discomfort created some space in me to relax and accept things as they were. To accept that on this Sunday morning my husband chose to spend some time working in the living room.
It wasn’t personal. And I could see, in retrospect, how I made it very personal.
Then I felt a wave of enormous gratitude – aware of what a blessing it is to have a life partner who is healthy, who loves me, who has work he’s passionate about.
Yes, it was a surprisingly quick turn-around.
Pretty cool, huh? That is the magic of clearing.
As I like to say, awareness changes everything.
p.s. Part IV – Non-Identification – in my book is the go-to place to practice detaching with compassionate awareness and surrender.
Hope this helps!
Happy clearing,
Stephanie
What is one thing you’d like to practice surrendering to today? Right now?
What happens when observe, name, and feel it – without taking it personally?
